De-Flower Power

Also wrote this in March. Was originally called: Flippy Hippie..HA.

Words don't come to me
as fluently
as they use to.

Pungent poison place,
bitter retro-distaste.

Why ask for tolerance?
Trying to seek understanding is hard to do.

I use to be unscathed by this bullshit.
Turn the other cheek, take another hit.

Now I'll go ballistic,
on your chauvinistic.

You're an unoriginal bucket of spinelessness, if the shoe fit.

Everything that's uttered,
motivate to stimulate,
Just spit out to replicate.

So I "sold out" to a clear disposition.
"settling", "belittling", "normalcy",

STRONGER IS YOU?

The seed of your pants is NOT a freelance.
To go untamed IS a ball and chain, because insecurity always remains the same.

So "be free" to self sabotage.
You said to submit is to be powerless.

But in truth: The heart is not, The head is restless.

Cuntformity Poem

Wrote this in March...how suiting:

Such a plain plague,
indifferent to him now.

Imperfect phase,
you don't even cross his mind,
I don't think...

Possessed.
It is a possession to me,
but you and your toxicity,
changed the important to the fickle.

Love, sex, lost...
just a mind fixation?

Abstain to remain
for him to obtain,
bliss in fellatio-n.

Almost with the same decency,
You fuck with manipulation.

Haven't done this in a while.

I think I will start posting again. My other blog is more reviews: http://grapeeater.blogspot.com/
Let's give it a go.

To A.Rose:

Met you in the late October.
Close to the house, but far from home.
Loyal to equal parts of pain.
Needed you,
Momentary gain.

Met you in the late October.
Close to the house, but far from home.
Gave me what you didn't know.
Told you,
I had to go.

Met you in the late October.
Close to the house, but far from home.
Reminded you what you gave up.
Gave you,
I gave you up.

I had to go away from you.
You knew just what you had to do.
I heard the noose.

The End to Summer.

Tumor?

My instincts say something is not quite right. I'm trying to shake off this analysis, but the same feeling comes back again. My heart hurts, and I think I have developed a lump in my throat. That large clot of depair, lodged in the back of my throat. It blocks most of the air escaping from your lungs and it makes your stomach unsettled. You always get it when you're trying to hold back something like tears, or guilt, or fear,or anger.

This lump seems t be premeantly there. Can one delevop a growth, like a tumor, or something physical that shows what's happening on the inside?

I feel an illness.

...

Always.

Endlessly.

Durably.

Immortally.

Infinitely.

Lasting.

In perpetuity.

For Keeps.


Without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesturday's.

Summer Skin

New changes ahead. This is getting pretty ridiculous. I'm guilt ridden. I should be else where, but I need to be here for now. I need to be excited. Its just hard with all this confliction between my head and heart. Hopefully it will get better though. Paitence, come find me. Open mind. Moment to moment. Priorities don't need to be set in order. They all co-exist. they all need to be dealt with. Maybe I'm just anxious, maybe I'm just not commited. I can't procrastinate anymore or make excuses. I need to make things happen. Monday monday monday.

Place.

Hillside.
Tall grasses.
Come to me sweet new breeze.
I need you love.
I'm locked out again, you have the....
Come to me tall green trees
I need you now, to compromise me.
I wish we did not blink, because you need to know,
there is nothing but darkness to waste and faulseness to show.
wither weather will come, but may it never make faint.
We're almost to the ocean now, skies thick like paint.
Reflections in water will always glisten, though as night comes mere speckles
We won't wait, but be... skin tarnished with freckles.
Hands age, but never texture will souls.
Enriched in lives, these sights and leaves of golds.
Why was this bridge built to fill time?
There is nothing but endlessness for the sunlight to shine.

Expectations

Stop and Listen.
Please I am sick...not faulting in health (for right in mind) just tired and bored and annoyed.
Of you.
You are not of matter. Please just leave me to dream of it. Did you seriously just say that?

Did you seriously just not say anything at all?

Fuck I am so sick and tired of it all.

You talk to boast.

You talk to listen.

I want to boast. I want to listen. So different but the same? I wish I could overcome and I can..I guess if I tried I could.

You, you are matters? How came something so old and new come together? twisted fate. Comical. I plead I would walk miles if something was different. Something anything.

Maybe I'm the one not of matters? hmm this is a thought. Disturbing, but true. Maybe realistic. Why should I ruin? Why am I impatient and want it? Stop impulses. Go mind.

Desires to say it. Expectations.

Change, change, change is inevitable.

It seems like just about everyone I know is going through a difficult time in their life right now. I can only describe mine as being stuck in the middle from my past and my future....the aspect of keeping certain things close to me or letting go...letting go of the people that I do not need my life or will need later on....Do you choose routine or venture into the change and reflection of unknown? I have realized you cannot change people..they will love you, accept you, hurt you, and ultimately teach you. If you do not like how someone treated you in the past, reflect and do not do that to others. Be the change you wish to see in other people. Rid yourself from the things not necessary to benefit. If you have a tough time with yourself, reflect and give your times to others to be productive, also surround yourself with positive influences like the people who care for your well being, surround yourself with your passions, morals etc.
Change is difficult to interpret or control, but the best possible attitude is to know that it is necessary for growth. If you are stuck to routine...evoke this change.
My changes that I am trying to make:
1) ridding myself of things/people I do not need or are negative
2) in their place developing healthy and positive attributes
3) altering my sleep/eating/exercising/thinking patterns
4) being the change I seek

Misses.

I miss you. Or miss the place you use to fill. I crave you... I thought of another up until... I got sick and knew you got it. I knew you got it like no one else. Or maybe you didn't but I know for certain, you didn't get scared...or maybe you did. The invented "you" most certainly did. You were what I wanted, why can't we both agree to compromise? Why can't you like plant yourself. Stability. Predictability. Just for me? I miss you. I felt impressive, but not important. This disposition of conflicting realities is getting to me. How can I stop this battle between my head and my heart. What is rational and self respect to what is compassion and want. I'm angry with you for not talking back to me or for not wanting me...(I cannot tell which one) but most of all I'm sad. I miss you so much. But promise you won't come back, until you just give in.

You Little Fucker.

Don't waiver my strength, this will never alter
like the like I had with you.

How am I doing? I've lived some more. What have I been up to? inhale blink exhale blink repeat.
Tempted as the heart may be I have gotten rationality back. Now I am skeptical, slow, blunt.

Never never again give it freely too fast. Self control is my game/gain. Into the back of my mind. You are not matter.

Perception

People that suffer from delusions (schizophrenia) have less limitations that society and we put on our own minds. I wonder if they can actually see a clearer reality then we can, a harsher truth, but just can't function in the process of what is real, from our world. Maybe they hold insight to a parallel universe. Maybe there delusions are really there, but our limitations prevent us from our sensory perception. I mean why do people do hallucinogens? Is it not to feel free, to perceive things in another light? We are so quick to label it with sickness or weakness, but is it just that they've evolved so much quicker then we have?

...

I am obviously upset right now.

DOWNS:
-Cousin. I need her and the thought of it... to be on the other side hurts.. the empathy kills me
-No Car
-Lacking again, loosing you, I think for good.
-Not getting it.
-Reoccurring dreams of her, manipulation. Her coming back...I never realized how scared I was of her, until she becomes like a threat in these dreams of all happiness or moving forward.
-Break is over
-No need for me

MOTIVATIONS:
-Health
-School
-Wishful thinking

Uncoditional

Can't you see I love you? Imagine feelings of respect, compassion, admiration-such strong emotions as these that never wave...never alter...never stop. Is it for granted, that you would rather end this? May it be friendship, more, or even your own life. You are forever in my mind. Time doesn't crease what you have on me. I mean I love you. Forget this cliche-carded compassion. This is pure. This is real. You are my blood, my sister, my brother, my best friend, my joy, my motive. Do you not understand? Can your simplistic motives not grasp it? My being is yours. The will is there. I have it to offer. Please stay still. Please stay with me. Don't push this fear of loss in me. Please honor it. Say its important. Say something, anything to show.

The Beginning

So spring break just started...time for change change change
which I think is fantastic because that tends to be my main motivation.

I got in a car accident today.

This weekend was not very good.


I was talking to Jayme and asked her if its possible to physically die because of an emotion...like sadness or anger etc. It is possible even if your perfectly healthy physically your body can just such down, is what she said. Mind over matter. I struggle with the matter. Some stuff seem to continue to suck away at my soul.

I have seat belt rash down my shoulder and neck, my throat still hurts from prior sickness, my neck and back are tired, achy almost. I'm exhausted beyond belief, but sleep doesn't comfort me like it use to. Neither does food or water. The frequent showers I have taken doesn't either.

Pessimism isn't an issue. I have a lot to be thankful for. I mean I am still alive. But does it make a difference that it seems to be "just barely". Like deteriorating almost...very slowly.

Expect.

Why did it fall... it opened... released.
Sweet beats of discovery of being hold dear, like a last breath or a small trinket of life
frail skins of the rope attached to the porcelain
unravel and tarnish...weak were this strings but so strong was the beats.
Why does it do this, protected it...it was disloyal to say the least.
No idea was the mind, separated from parts to the soul.
Cruel. Unjust. Rationality was our sanity..rationality was our weapon...our tool..our vice
It left when this opened. Cruel, wading waters. Cold harsh winds. It was perfection to say the least, the purest mineral running through these veins, leaping songs in my life, now it turns poison. Tarnished, unkempt, such haste lead to this. Bitter, bitter taste.
How I wish experience came, maybe thirty years, the knowledge.
I don't know what to make of it, rape perhaps..should I came thee stolen?
Should it be yelled out that I was bare? Untarnished until the hums of utter dependency came.
It is I, who let it fall, I did not caught it. It is I who have these marks in the memories and the porcelain to bear. I should have kept this covered. I should have no expectations, no offers. Realization was the point we missed. I found it unconditional and felt your shades. Perfection. Ignorance is you. Independence is you. I envy that.

hey ya

I love you, but I don't know you.




golden birthday....Febuary 18. Epic. There's only one thing I want and its not even a thing. It sounds totally ridiculous and stupid, but its something I'm lacking.

...

I feel like I'm getting farther and farther away. When will this slump end?

Green

I sound juvenile. I feel like I always have to justify my feelings or thoughts. Its late in the night/early in the morning and I want someone to talk to. Be my someone?