Thursday, January 15, 2009
Bloody Nose.
I need to clear my karma and conscience. I need to become that bigger/better person, one that steps away from shady situations and just tries harder to see the insides.
People are the way they are for a reason and if I hope for acceptance or unconditional love from other people I need to start being that person I seek. Some people don't believe in karma, but I think its real just like a feeling. A thought or idea exist and can change, but a feeling you have forever. I will never forget what Barry Feldman said my first day in Biology, sophomore year. He said: We are all the same. We all have the same feelings, adults and teens. When you become adults you will feel the same rejection, depression, happiness, confusion...the only difference is you're older.
Feelings never change. And if karma doesn't exist it takes away all the hope I have for justice. You believe in your gods and I choose to believe that people get what they deserve in life. I mean isn't that true? You work hard for something, you become successful no matter if you possess that thing you worked hard for or not.
Success is in the eye of the beholder, and beauty is as well. I want to be that person that sees the beautiful flaws in people. Have sympathy, take everything to heart, because I want it. I want someone like that. And if I seek it and want it given to me shouldn't I return? I'm constantly feeling like people use me and just take, but I need to stop worrying about other people taking and concentrate on my giving. Because hope is real and desire is real. If you want it, you will ultimately posses it.
This concept is all after a bloody nose I got in English. Its not karma , but I think I deserved it..wake up call.
People are the way they are for a reason and if I hope for acceptance or unconditional love from other people I need to start being that person I seek. Some people don't believe in karma, but I think its real just like a feeling. A thought or idea exist and can change, but a feeling you have forever. I will never forget what Barry Feldman said my first day in Biology, sophomore year. He said: We are all the same. We all have the same feelings, adults and teens. When you become adults you will feel the same rejection, depression, happiness, confusion...the only difference is you're older.
Feelings never change. And if karma doesn't exist it takes away all the hope I have for justice. You believe in your gods and I choose to believe that people get what they deserve in life. I mean isn't that true? You work hard for something, you become successful no matter if you possess that thing you worked hard for or not.
Success is in the eye of the beholder, and beauty is as well. I want to be that person that sees the beautiful flaws in people. Have sympathy, take everything to heart, because I want it. I want someone like that. And if I seek it and want it given to me shouldn't I return? I'm constantly feeling like people use me and just take, but I need to stop worrying about other people taking and concentrate on my giving. Because hope is real and desire is real. If you want it, you will ultimately posses it.
This concept is all after a bloody nose I got in English. Its not karma , but I think I deserved it..wake up call.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I Think I Can't.
Stopping
Evil Evil mind
One more, justify it
Stop please.
control hands
heart
motive to stop.
I can't. I can't. I can't.
double double take
short term.
its a give in.
HEAVEN
fullness.
calm.
disgusting.
threats
take effect
arm, leg
heart
metaphoric
physically
stop.
Evil Evil mind
One more, justify it
Stop please.
control hands
heart
motive to stop.
I can't. I can't. I can't.
double double take
short term.
its a give in.
HEAVEN
fullness.
calm.
disgusting.
threats
take effect
arm, leg
heart
metaphoric
physically
stop.
Sometimes I feel trapped. Blame is the game.
Disclaimer: I like men.
There's this girl I have strangely taken an odd sort of obsession too. I read her blogs on tumblr, I go on her myspace (I must also admit I have been known to steal her profile song every now and again), I look at her pictures and I just think she could be the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Now I admit reading this back it sounds "creeper-status", but really is it? I'm not like sexually attracted to her I mean. Though if she was born a guy and I lost all image of her being a girl and started a new, I would definitely want to jump her bones..(yeah I just said that)
I have no clue why I have this obsession...okay let's stop calling it that...let's call it admiration or interest. She's just so exciting...so refreshing. She does cool things, she has cool pictures of her doing these things and I find myself wishing that I had the same hair as her. Or the same talent. Or the same influence she has on people.
I mean I'm the joke. I'm Andrea, the girl that's not even really looked at, at being a sexual, beautiful female. I say what I mean. I say odd things. I say what people are too scared to say out loud, but I know they are thinking it. I'm open with sexuality. And tell people how amazing they are, and telling people about things/situations that would be uncomfortable to the norm. I'm open. Period. Blunt. Out there. No mystery.
Sometimes I wish I was hard to get, because I read a sonnet in English that main message was: The harder something was to get the more value it has. The more people will want it.
I want to be chased. But is it just pure laziness that I just don't want to play those games?
I mean I believe that those games lead to a sort-term-kind-of-bliss that I'm just not after. And I really don't care enough to try to do something different then what I've been doing.
Maybe someday people will just appreciate honesty, not find it boring, but refreshingly exciting and discover just how much knowledge could be gained from each other through honesty. Maybe someday people will take an interest to it.
I have no clue why I have this obsession...okay let's stop calling it that...let's call it admiration or interest. She's just so exciting...so refreshing. She does cool things, she has cool pictures of her doing these things and I find myself wishing that I had the same hair as her. Or the same talent. Or the same influence she has on people.
I mean I'm the joke. I'm Andrea, the girl that's not even really looked at, at being a sexual, beautiful female. I say what I mean. I say odd things. I say what people are too scared to say out loud, but I know they are thinking it. I'm open with sexuality. And tell people how amazing they are, and telling people about things/situations that would be uncomfortable to the norm. I'm open. Period. Blunt. Out there. No mystery.
Sometimes I wish I was hard to get, because I read a sonnet in English that main message was: The harder something was to get the more value it has. The more people will want it.
I want to be chased. But is it just pure laziness that I just don't want to play those games?
I mean I believe that those games lead to a sort-term-kind-of-bliss that I'm just not after. And I really don't care enough to try to do something different then what I've been doing.
Maybe someday people will just appreciate honesty, not find it boring, but refreshingly exciting and discover just how much knowledge could be gained from each other through honesty. Maybe someday people will take an interest to it.
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