Green

I sound juvenile. I feel like I always have to justify my feelings or thoughts. Its late in the night/early in the morning and I want someone to talk to. Be my someone?

Vent it.

So day one went alright. Down two. Anyways something just passed in my mind that I just wanted to say: I am done with high school. Everything about it! The school work that's complete bullshit, people, ideals, structures, and relationships. Relationships are disgusting. With the logic of knowing I would offend people if I say this out loud, I decided to just vent about it in my thoughts (that a small percentage actually reads).

Little shit things that people intentionally do/relationships that are intentionally formed because these kids think that their lives are meant to be like Gossip Girl.
What is okay by me?
1) honesty
2) sentiment
3) private displays of affection
4) very little displays of public affection
5) dating
6) confiding
7) no materialistic b.s.
8) closed relationships
9) no drama over text
10) no full on convos over text
11) hanging out, acting like yourself
12) attention

So I know just the action of knowing what I want is intimidating enough, but I guess I won't settle for less. Sorry?

Human Life Found.

So many downs not enough ups for me this week, if you couldn't tell. My health is at an ultimate low. No showering, sleeping, and the endless chain smoking seems to be the theme for this week. But at last there is a different form of view. With all this ridiculous (yet called for) emotion unleashed I have risen anew and ready. Thank you if you were with me today, or tomorrow I truly needed you. So perspective:
1) I have found a whole new respect for one of my friends today. She is not only beautiful, but her knowledge extends far than I had an idea of knowing. This lady gave me a look at something new today: People come up with excuses, plain and simple. But these excuses do not "excuse" the action. Example: Just because you can't stop your mouth when your angry does not excuse your words that hurt. We all live different lives and hardships, but this excuse never truly exempts anything.
2) If you see this fault that effects other people, change it within yourself. Example: excuse- I didn't call you back because I am a flake. response- um..yeah so? Do you want to do something to remain like that or just stay unchanging your actions that hurt other people? This means reconstructing my actions or not excusing a friends actions. No more excuses.
3) Be a better friend. I have truly been a hermit crab. Perspective and prioritizing is every thing.
4) Another close friend has taught me the gift of appreciation and support. She offers love unconditionally and I feel no judgment with her. Though we are totally different in every way, shape and form, we have this strong mutual respect for each other. She offers apathy and understanding like no other. And though we may part next year and be in different states, she has influenced my heart.
5) Focus and seeking is key.

WEEKLY TRIES:
-be a better friend (make amends)
-actually do shit in school
-memorize memorize MEMORIZE
-smoke less
-be healthy (hygiene/eat/sleep)
-organize
-continue blog

Depend

I am too depended on people to make me feel my worth/to make me be valued in this life. I wish I had no heart and could just be a hermit sometimes.