Expectations

Stop and Listen.
Please I am sick...not faulting in health (for right in mind) just tired and bored and annoyed.
Of you.
You are not of matter. Please just leave me to dream of it. Did you seriously just say that?

Did you seriously just not say anything at all?

Fuck I am so sick and tired of it all.

You talk to boast.

You talk to listen.

I want to boast. I want to listen. So different but the same? I wish I could overcome and I can..I guess if I tried I could.

You, you are matters? How came something so old and new come together? twisted fate. Comical. I plead I would walk miles if something was different. Something anything.

Maybe I'm the one not of matters? hmm this is a thought. Disturbing, but true. Maybe realistic. Why should I ruin? Why am I impatient and want it? Stop impulses. Go mind.

Desires to say it. Expectations.

Change, change, change is inevitable.

It seems like just about everyone I know is going through a difficult time in their life right now. I can only describe mine as being stuck in the middle from my past and my future....the aspect of keeping certain things close to me or letting go...letting go of the people that I do not need my life or will need later on....Do you choose routine or venture into the change and reflection of unknown? I have realized you cannot change people..they will love you, accept you, hurt you, and ultimately teach you. If you do not like how someone treated you in the past, reflect and do not do that to others. Be the change you wish to see in other people. Rid yourself from the things not necessary to benefit. If you have a tough time with yourself, reflect and give your times to others to be productive, also surround yourself with positive influences like the people who care for your well being, surround yourself with your passions, morals etc.
Change is difficult to interpret or control, but the best possible attitude is to know that it is necessary for growth. If you are stuck to routine...evoke this change.
My changes that I am trying to make:
1) ridding myself of things/people I do not need or are negative
2) in their place developing healthy and positive attributes
3) altering my sleep/eating/exercising/thinking patterns
4) being the change I seek

Misses.

I miss you. Or miss the place you use to fill. I crave you... I thought of another up until... I got sick and knew you got it. I knew you got it like no one else. Or maybe you didn't but I know for certain, you didn't get scared...or maybe you did. The invented "you" most certainly did. You were what I wanted, why can't we both agree to compromise? Why can't you like plant yourself. Stability. Predictability. Just for me? I miss you. I felt impressive, but not important. This disposition of conflicting realities is getting to me. How can I stop this battle between my head and my heart. What is rational and self respect to what is compassion and want. I'm angry with you for not talking back to me or for not wanting me...(I cannot tell which one) but most of all I'm sad. I miss you so much. But promise you won't come back, until you just give in.

You Little Fucker.

Don't waiver my strength, this will never alter
like the like I had with you.

How am I doing? I've lived some more. What have I been up to? inhale blink exhale blink repeat.
Tempted as the heart may be I have gotten rationality back. Now I am skeptical, slow, blunt.

Never never again give it freely too fast. Self control is my game/gain. Into the back of my mind. You are not matter.

Perception

People that suffer from delusions (schizophrenia) have less limitations that society and we put on our own minds. I wonder if they can actually see a clearer reality then we can, a harsher truth, but just can't function in the process of what is real, from our world. Maybe they hold insight to a parallel universe. Maybe there delusions are really there, but our limitations prevent us from our sensory perception. I mean why do people do hallucinogens? Is it not to feel free, to perceive things in another light? We are so quick to label it with sickness or weakness, but is it just that they've evolved so much quicker then we have?

...

I am obviously upset right now.

DOWNS:
-Cousin. I need her and the thought of it... to be on the other side hurts.. the empathy kills me
-No Car
-Lacking again, loosing you, I think for good.
-Not getting it.
-Reoccurring dreams of her, manipulation. Her coming back...I never realized how scared I was of her, until she becomes like a threat in these dreams of all happiness or moving forward.
-Break is over
-No need for me

MOTIVATIONS:
-Health
-School
-Wishful thinking

Uncoditional

Can't you see I love you? Imagine feelings of respect, compassion, admiration-such strong emotions as these that never wave...never alter...never stop. Is it for granted, that you would rather end this? May it be friendship, more, or even your own life. You are forever in my mind. Time doesn't crease what you have on me. I mean I love you. Forget this cliche-carded compassion. This is pure. This is real. You are my blood, my sister, my brother, my best friend, my joy, my motive. Do you not understand? Can your simplistic motives not grasp it? My being is yours. The will is there. I have it to offer. Please stay still. Please stay with me. Don't push this fear of loss in me. Please honor it. Say its important. Say something, anything to show.