Summer Skin

New changes ahead. This is getting pretty ridiculous. I'm guilt ridden. I should be else where, but I need to be here for now. I need to be excited. Its just hard with all this confliction between my head and heart. Hopefully it will get better though. Paitence, come find me. Open mind. Moment to moment. Priorities don't need to be set in order. They all co-exist. they all need to be dealt with. Maybe I'm just anxious, maybe I'm just not commited. I can't procrastinate anymore or make excuses. I need to make things happen. Monday monday monday.

Place.

Hillside.
Tall grasses.
Come to me sweet new breeze.
I need you love.
I'm locked out again, you have the....
Come to me tall green trees
I need you now, to compromise me.
I wish we did not blink, because you need to know,
there is nothing but darkness to waste and faulseness to show.
wither weather will come, but may it never make faint.
We're almost to the ocean now, skies thick like paint.
Reflections in water will always glisten, though as night comes mere speckles
We won't wait, but be... skin tarnished with freckles.
Hands age, but never texture will souls.
Enriched in lives, these sights and leaves of golds.
Why was this bridge built to fill time?
There is nothing but endlessness for the sunlight to shine.

Expectations

Stop and Listen.
Please I am sick...not faulting in health (for right in mind) just tired and bored and annoyed.
Of you.
You are not of matter. Please just leave me to dream of it. Did you seriously just say that?

Did you seriously just not say anything at all?

Fuck I am so sick and tired of it all.

You talk to boast.

You talk to listen.

I want to boast. I want to listen. So different but the same? I wish I could overcome and I can..I guess if I tried I could.

You, you are matters? How came something so old and new come together? twisted fate. Comical. I plead I would walk miles if something was different. Something anything.

Maybe I'm the one not of matters? hmm this is a thought. Disturbing, but true. Maybe realistic. Why should I ruin? Why am I impatient and want it? Stop impulses. Go mind.

Desires to say it. Expectations.

Change, change, change is inevitable.

It seems like just about everyone I know is going through a difficult time in their life right now. I can only describe mine as being stuck in the middle from my past and my future....the aspect of keeping certain things close to me or letting go...letting go of the people that I do not need my life or will need later on....Do you choose routine or venture into the change and reflection of unknown? I have realized you cannot change people..they will love you, accept you, hurt you, and ultimately teach you. If you do not like how someone treated you in the past, reflect and do not do that to others. Be the change you wish to see in other people. Rid yourself from the things not necessary to benefit. If you have a tough time with yourself, reflect and give your times to others to be productive, also surround yourself with positive influences like the people who care for your well being, surround yourself with your passions, morals etc.
Change is difficult to interpret or control, but the best possible attitude is to know that it is necessary for growth. If you are stuck to routine...evoke this change.
My changes that I am trying to make:
1) ridding myself of things/people I do not need or are negative
2) in their place developing healthy and positive attributes
3) altering my sleep/eating/exercising/thinking patterns
4) being the change I seek

Misses.

I miss you. Or miss the place you use to fill. I crave you... I thought of another up until... I got sick and knew you got it. I knew you got it like no one else. Or maybe you didn't but I know for certain, you didn't get scared...or maybe you did. The invented "you" most certainly did. You were what I wanted, why can't we both agree to compromise? Why can't you like plant yourself. Stability. Predictability. Just for me? I miss you. I felt impressive, but not important. This disposition of conflicting realities is getting to me. How can I stop this battle between my head and my heart. What is rational and self respect to what is compassion and want. I'm angry with you for not talking back to me or for not wanting me...(I cannot tell which one) but most of all I'm sad. I miss you so much. But promise you won't come back, until you just give in.

You Little Fucker.

Don't waiver my strength, this will never alter
like the like I had with you.

How am I doing? I've lived some more. What have I been up to? inhale blink exhale blink repeat.
Tempted as the heart may be I have gotten rationality back. Now I am skeptical, slow, blunt.

Never never again give it freely too fast. Self control is my game/gain. Into the back of my mind. You are not matter.

Perception

People that suffer from delusions (schizophrenia) have less limitations that society and we put on our own minds. I wonder if they can actually see a clearer reality then we can, a harsher truth, but just can't function in the process of what is real, from our world. Maybe they hold insight to a parallel universe. Maybe there delusions are really there, but our limitations prevent us from our sensory perception. I mean why do people do hallucinogens? Is it not to feel free, to perceive things in another light? We are so quick to label it with sickness or weakness, but is it just that they've evolved so much quicker then we have?